I'm Just Jay - Bailey Stover Multimedia Journalist

Jay Castilow, 17, pulls his Halloween costume over his binder in his bedroom.

Jay Castilow, 17, contorts himself while pulling his Halloween costume over his binder before going trick-or-treating on Tuesday, Oct. 31, 2023, in his bedroom in Columbia, Mo. Jay’s eclectic decoration scheme for his bedroom includes his own artwork, an ACLU transgender pride flag, hand-painted protest posters and panels from the queer graphic novel “Heartstopper.” Jay, his older sister, her boyfriend and Jay’s then-girlfriend drove through Columbia’s south-side neighborhoods searching for the houses with the best candy. Because he was pretending to be a mime, Jay made his older sister talk to anyone who answered the door after he knocked.

'I'm just Jay' – Coming of age as a transgender boy in Missouri

In early December 2020, Jay Castilow attached two pieces of paper to his bedroom door: his pronouns (he/him) and his chosen name.

“I felt you drew a line in the sand and you said, ‘Here it is. This is who I am. There is no going back to that,’” said Harry Castilow about his son introducing himself to his family.

After 17-year-old Jay first came out, Dena Castilow said she asked her son to have his blood drawn and tested for “some kind of chemical imbalance.” She and her husband both said they knew gay people, but they lacked an intimate understanding of the trans experience and momentarily viewed Jay’s transness as a fad, which left them steps behind their son on his journey.

For several months, Jay’s parents struggled to consistently use his correct pronouns, unintentionally misgendering him and using his birth name. Jay urged them to attend the Center Project’s Parents4Parents meetings so that they could learn from other parents of transgender kids, ask questions and process his transition without placing the burden of education on their son.

“Not many people can say that they’ve had a good experience transitioning, and I’m glad that I have been able to,” Jay said. “Just having such supportive people around me, not just my family but my friends, my girlfriend, my work community, my school community. Everybody around me has been so accepting that it has made it such a good experience.”

This story is ongoing.

Jay prepares a syringe of his weekly 0.5 ml testosterone shot before injecting it into his thigh on Saturday, Nov. 18, 2023, at his home in Columbia, Mo. The Castilows anticipate Jay’s current testosterone prescription will last him until he turns 18 in May. If Missouri increases the age restrictions for people to access gender-affirming care to the age of 21, then the family may choose to relocate out of state so Jay can continue transitioning safely.

“Oh, my God, it is the worst,” Jay said of his weekly testosterone shots. “I really don’t want to do this for the rest of my life. I’m hoping that there is a pill or something that gets created that is safe for the body that I’ll be able to take. I wish I did not have to do this for the rest of my life. But, I mean, I don’t have an issue doing it. I would rather [live in] a world where I didn’t have to. … I’m very glad I don’t have a fear of needles because if I did, then this would be a very bad thing.”

Certificates recognizing Jay’s elementary and middle school achievements hang on his closet door on Saturday, Dec. 2, 2023, at his home in Columbia, Mo. After Jay came out to his parents as a transgender man in December 2020, he went through the house and taped his chosen name over any item that contained his old name.

“We were still using the wrong gender. The pronouns were wrong, the name. It took a minute, and we were trying,” said Harry Castilow, Jay’s dad. “Any place it had his old name, it would have a sticker over the top of it. And instead of saying ‘Take it down,’ he just kind of modified it. I think at first it was because he was taking this stand, and he needed us to take him serious, and he needed to help us get through this. He needed to help us do that, and what he did was relatively smart because it forced us to kind of step back and look at it instead of trying to pawn it off as something else."

Jay works on his computer, which he has decorated with anti-incarceration, pro-choice and pro-LGBTQ+ rights stickers during English class.

During his advanced placement English course, Jay works on his computer, which he has decorated with anti-incarceration, pro-choice and pro-LGBTQ+ rights stickers on Thursday, Nov. 16, 2023, at Rock Bridge High School in Columbia, Mo. Today’s class began with a group of students performing a queered reading of William Shakespeare’s “Twelfth Night.”

“I enjoy being politically active,” Jay said. “I don’t feel like I’m 17. Like, it's really weird. It doesn't feel like I'm 17, but it does feel like I'm 17 because I’m still going to high school.”

Jay, center, plays SpongeBob SquarePants Monopoly with his mom, Dena Castilow, left, and dad, Harry Castilow, right, on Saturday, Nov. 18, 2023, at the Castilows’ kitchen table at their home in Columbia, Mo.

“Our whole idea is just to get our kids on steady ground where they can thrive and take care of themselves,” Harry said. “So we’ve done that for [Jay’s sister] Madison. We’re gonna do that for Jay, to give Jay that same opportunity, right? But we need to make sure he’s safe. So if we live in a state that he’s not safe in, then it makes no sense."

Jay started wearing a binder to minimize his chest around February 2021, and in April 2022 he began medically transitioning. He currently does hormone replacement therapy through weekly testosterone injections. Unless another equally effective and safe treatment becomes available, he will have to do these injections every week for the rest of his life. He was originally planning to get masculinizing chest reconstruction (commonly known as top surgery) before turning 18, but because of insurance complications affected by Missouri's changing laws regarding transgender minors’ ability to receive gender affirming care, he must now wait until he is an adult to move forward with the procedure.

“I think [being trans] is a joy that not many people are able to feel,” Jay said. “It makes me happy to think about my transness. Sometimes it’s very stressful, but for me it’s something that I’ve grown with. It’s been obviously a major, major, major part of my life, like completely life changing but in the best way.”

On Aug. 28, 2023, Senate Bill 49 went into effect, prohibiting Missouri minors from receiving puberty blockers and hormones. Existing patients like Jay were supposed to be permitted to continue treatment, but MU Health Care went beyond the law and ceased gender-affirming care for all patients—new and old alike. For several weeks, the Castilows were unsure whether or not Jay’s next testosterone prescription, which his doctor had loaded to be filled prior to MU Health Care ending care, would in fact be delivered. Despite a series of unexpected delays, his prescription arrived near the end of November. If Jay’s prescription had not been renewed, he planned to stretch the leftover testosterone in his old vials until his 18th birthday in May 2024 when, as long as Missouri law stays the same, he will be able to receive gender-affirming care once more.

Jay, backlit, buttons his shirt in the entryway of his home.

Jay buttons his shirt on Friday, Oct. 20, 2023, in the entryway of his home in Columbia, Mo. Dena Castilow, Jay’s mom, said she instilled in her children the importance of standing up for what’s right and defending people who can’t protect themselves. “That’s why Jay goes to the protests, because other kids don’t have that in them,” Dena said. “They’re just vulnerable, and that’s why it’s hard for them to fight.”

Jay shaves for the first time since he began medically transitioning as his then-girlfriend watches in his bathroom.

Jay shaves for the first time since he began medically transitioning as his then-girlfriend, 18-year-old Emma Walker, watches on Tuesday, October. 31, 2023, in his bathroom at his home in Columbia, Mo. Joe Jenness, Jay’s sister’s boyfriend, and Harry taught him how to trim his beard, offering advice through the shaving process.

“It was nice because, obviously, I’ve been waiting to do that. And I’m glad my dad and Joe were there to help me with it,” Jay said. “My facial hair grows back so quick that I was like, ‘It won’t matter.’ It will be back by the time that I go to school on Monday. I wasn’t too terrified about it."

Jay, right, cries while listening to his dad, Harry Castilow, front, speak through tears about his experience raising a transgender child during a Keep Hate Out of Healthcare protest on Friday, Sept. 15, 2023, at Jesse Hall in Columbia, Mo.

“A little while ago we got the news that we weren't going to be able to continue our healthcare through the university. It was hugely impactful to us. It scared us, made us afraid, made us angry,” Harry said. “Legislator[s], shame on you. Absolutely shame on you. Shame on you for what you’re doing.”

But when Harry talked about Jay, he did so with love and could hardly keep from tearing up with the amount of pride he has in son. “See him, see who he is. He’s not the devil. He’s not evil. He’s not harming you. He harms no one,” Harry said. “He’s a great person. He doesn’t kill animals. He doesn’t eat meat. [He’s] a beautiful human being. You need to know him. Get to know him.”

Jay addresses the Columbia City Council members during a meeting on at City Hall.

Jay addresses the Columbia City Council members during a meeting on Monday, Feb. 19, 2024, at City Hall in Columbia, Mo. Columbia’s City Council voted 6-1 to pass an ordinance making Columbia a “Safe Haven” for members of the LBGTQ+ community. Jay and Harry Castilow were two of nearly 60 community members to share their testimony in the hope of convincing the council members to pass the ordinance.

During his two minutes in front of the council, Jay shared the following: “At the beginning of my transition I was followed into the men’s bathroom at Rock Bridge. Guess what? I, a transgender man, was going into the bathroom because I needed to pee during math. A cisgender person was walking in there to harass me, call me names, not because they needed to go to the bathroom. I was not going in there to harass anyone. I was not going in there to take pictures of anyone. I was not doing that. I just needed to pee. I was fortunately able to leave without being touched at all or anything. And, let me just say, a lot of people don’t get to experience that luckiness of not having to engage.”

In the past several years, Jay has become a vocal activist for a variety of causes in the mid-Missouri community. He joined protesters in downtown Columbia to support the Black Lives Matter movement in 2020 and has attended pro-choice rallies, anti death penalty vigils and pro-LGBTQ+ rights marches. When Rock Bridge High School’s boys bathrooms did not have stall doors, he went in front of the school board to urge them to address the issue. Jay is interested in pursuing a career in employment law, and he said he hopes to help people fight for their rights in the future.

“I've always been like this,” Jay said. “It hasn't just been my transness that has encouraged my activism.”

Although the Castilows would be inclined to stay if Columbia becomes an LGBTQ+ sanctuary city, they are still getting their affairs in order in case they feel compelled to flee Missouri. Dena and Harry said they anticipate lawmakers proposing various pieces of anti-trans legislation, such as bathroom bans and “Don’t Say Gay” bills, during the upcoming legislative session. If Missouri increases the age for young people to access gender-affirming care from 18 to 21 years old, then the Castilows said that would force them to move to a more trans-friendly state. If the Castilows do end up leaving Missouri, Jay would be ineligible for A+ Scholarship Program benefits toward his college tuition despite the effort he gave as a Rock Bridge High School student.

“Trans people, we’re just normal people,” Jay said. “I think someone who doesn’t know a trans person, I think you just need to not assume that everyone you interact with is cisgender. … These people are real people who have everyday lives that are just doing normal things and just want to be normal. And I think when I go to school, when I go to work, I'm not a trans person, but I am. But I'm not a trans person there. I’m just Jay.”

Jay celebrates his high school graduation with friends and family on at his home.

Jay celebrates his high school graduation with friends and family on Saturday, May 18, 2024, at his home in Columbia, Mo. Later that evening Jay attended the Senior All Night Party for Columbia’s class of 2024. At the party he played Jenga and bingo, jumped in a bounce house, raced through an inflatable maze and tried to win prizes with his friends from 11 p.m. until nearly 3 a.m.

Jay leans against a wooden bridge while Julia Draper takes his senior photos at Cosmo-Bethel Park.

Jay leans against a wooden bridge while Julia Draper, who has known Jay since he and his sister attended Ridgeway Elementary School, takes his senior photos on Friday, Oct. 20, 2023, at Cosmo-Bethel Park in Columbia, Mo.

Whenever Jay wanted to change clothes his family would form a human shield around him so he could swap shirts over his binder in public. Jay’s parents bought a senior ad in his high school’s yearbook featuring both his senior photos and images from when he was a baby.

The ad read: “To our amazing son. We knew you would be a fighter from day one. You came into this world two weeks early. You grew into a rambunctious child. We learned how much of a fighter [you are], by watching your drive to change the world with your unrelenting advocacy and your work to give a voice to the voiceless. Step into the tremendous shoes you have created proudly Jay!”

Jay hugs his advanced placement English teacher, Gregory Irwin, after walking in his Rock Bridge High School commencement ceremony at Mizzou Arena.

Jay hugs his advanced placement English teacher, Gregory Irwin, after walking in his Rock Bridge High School commencement ceremony on Friday, May 17, 2024, at Mizzou Arena in Columbia, Mo. Jay, who turned 18 earlier in May, plans to pursue an associate’s degree in social and behavioral science in the fall.

“I am trans. That’s a part of me, but that’s not what I let represent me when I’m at work or at school or just in public,” Jay said. “I’ve made it to a point in my transition where I’m happy, and I’m happy with the way that I present, and I think just seeing pictures of myself, it just makes me happy and it gives me a lot of joy that other people aren’t able to experience.”