In early December 2020, Jay Castilow attached two pieces of paper to his bedroom door: his pronouns (he/him) and his chosen name. 

“I felt you drew a line in the sand and you said, ‘Here it is. This is who I am. There is no going back to that,’” said Harry Castilow about his son introducing himself to his family. 

After 17-year-old Jay first came out, Dena Castilow said she asked her son to have his blood drawn and tested for “some kind of chemical imbalance.” She and her husband both said they knew gay people, but they lacked an intimate understanding of the trans experience and momentarily viewed Jay’s transness as a fad, which left them steps behind their son on his journey. For several months, Jay’s parents struggled to consistently use his correct pronouns, unintentionally misgendering him and using his birth name. Jay urged them to attend the Center Project’s Parents4Parents meetings so that they could learn from other parents of transgender kids, ask questions and process his transition without placing the burden of education on their son. 

“Not many people can say that they’ve had a good experience transitioning, and I’m glad that I have been able to,” Jay said. “Just having such supportive people around me, not just my family but my friends, my girlfriend, my work community, my school community. Everybody around me has been so accepting that it has made it such a good experience.”

Jay started wearing a binder to minimize his chest around February 2021, and in April 2022 he began medically transitioning. He currently does hormone replacement therapy through weekly testosterone injections. Unless another equally effective and safe treatment becomes available, he will have to do these injections every week for the rest of his life. He was originally planning to get masculinizing chest reconstruction (commonly known as top surgery) before turning 18, but because of insurance complications affected by Missouri's changing laws regarding transgender minors’ ability to receive gender affirming care, he must now wait until he is an adult to move forward with the procedure. 

“I think [being trans] is a joy that not many people are able to feel,” Jay said. “It makes me happy to think about my transness. Sometimes it’s very stressful, but for me it’s something that I’ve grown with. It’s been obviously a major, major, major part of my life, like completely life changing but in the best way.” 

On Aug. 28, 2023, Senate Bill 49 went into effect, prohibiting Missouri minors from receiving puberty blockers and hormones. Existing patients like Jay were supposed to be permitted to continue treatment, but MU Health Care went beyond the law and ceased gender-affirming care for all patients—new and old alike. For several weeks, the Castilows were unsure whether or not Jay’s next testosterone prescription, which his doctor had loaded to be filled prior to MU Health Care ending care, would in fact be delivered. Despite a series of unexpected delays, his prescription arrived near the end of November. If Jay’s prescription had not been renewed, he planned to stretch the leftover testosterone in his old vials until his 18th birthday in May 2024 when, as long as Missouri law stays the same, he will be able to receive gender-affirming care once more. 

In the past several years, Jay has become a vocal activist for a variety of causes in the mid-Missouri community. He joined protesters in downtown Columbia to support the Black Lives Matter movement in 2020 and has attended pro-choice rallies, anti death penalty vigils and pro-LGBTQ+ rights marches. When Rock Bridge High School’s boys bathrooms did not have stall doors, he went in front of the school board to urge them to address the issue. Jay is interested in pursuing a career in employment law, and he said he hopes to help people fight for their rights in the future. 

“I've always been like this,” Jay said. “It hasn't just been my transness that has encouraged my activism.” 

Although the Castilows would be inclined to stay if Columbia becomes an LGBTQ+ sanctuary city, they are still getting their affairs in order in case they feel compelled to flee Missouri. Dena and Harry said they anticipate lawmakers proposing various pieces of anti-trans legislation, such as bathroom bans and “Don’t Say Gay” bills, during the upcoming legislative session. If Missouri increases the age for young people to access gender-affirming care from 18 to 21 years old, then the Castilows said that would force them to move to a more trans-friendly state. If the Castilows do end up leaving Missouri, Jay would be ineligible for A+ Scholarship Program benefits toward his college tuition despite the effort he gave as a Rock Bridge High School student. 

“Trans people, we’re just normal people,” Jay said. “I think someone who doesn’t know a trans person, I think you just need to not assume that everyone you interact with is cisgender. … These people are real people who have everyday lives that are just doing normal things and just want to be normal. And I think when I go to school, when I go to work, I'm not a trans person, but I am. But I'm not a trans person there. I’m just Jay.”